Birthday Wishes

Ever get stuck in contemplation mode? Revisiting mode? Self inflicted emotional masochism?

Go back and re-read things you wrote when you were in love with someone else or heartbroken. Listen to those songs that made you cry. The songs that you used to listen to while falling asleep, lonely and alone or lonely with that warm body right next to you (the worst kind of lonely). Listening to the songs you listened to when you were fucking your favorite regret. wet again, and wondering if he can finally get that dent in your car fixed, but you don't want to fight him off, so you don't even bother to call and make sure he's still breathing, even though you really do care and maybe even miss him a little, because he's sweet when he's not begging. But it's certainly not the sex you miss....

sitting there with the bad poetry you wrote when you were heartbroken for the first time at 17, then again at 21 when it got a better because you stopped rhyming, and now that you're an adult, you're mostly happy and can't write shit that isn't about how all you want is just a good smack on the ass to make you feel better.

You want chocolate and a good fuck, even though your day already started with a bang and a chocolate meal bar.

You're in love and digesting the best meal you've had in weeks. I'm in love and digesting the best meal I've had in weeks.

we sit here and wonder why it can't be like it used to be, even though it used to be shit, but we loved it because it was all we had, and our friends were in the same place.

I missed norms at 2 am, and I got norms at 2 am back. Delirious, but not wanting the night to end. I should have had a schooner so that it would taste like I was 18 again and really only had to worry about not burning popcorn.

I'll be 29 in a week, and will spend my birthday acting like I'm 9, and I can't wait. I need the happiest place on earth. I need a picture with Mickey Mouse to remind me that it's ok to fuck adulthood. And I get to fuck adulthood with someone I wish I'd known in childhood so we could have made things better for each other, but then again, we probably wouldn't be here in adulthood to make a second childhood better. So fuck it. I wouldn't trade it.

I need a picture with Santa, and then I need to yank his beard and pee on his lap to get revenge for every fucked up Christmas where our toys were sold to support an addiction, and ask for a spoon that isn't bent and burnt and some real milk because cereal sucked when I was 10 because we only had condensed milk and forks. (You can't make crack in a fork).

I miss the times when the height of sexual activity amounted to a lot of heavy petting and blue balls, and you only WANTED to need condoms, but they were still only something your mom blew up because you wanted a balloon when you were 6. And god for the life of you it wouldn't pop, but it still doesn't explain how one of your brothers got here.

I miss my best friend, and I miss my best friend, and I miss my best friend. I miss everyone that I grew apart from. but I've made new friends, and I love you and I love you and I love you, and I hope that someday, I won't have to miss you, too.

I miss sleep. I miss when my body only ached when I wanted it to, when I begged for it. Not because I was typing for shit pay, or typing to not feel like shit.

I want a hug from my best friend, and my mommy, but will giggle as I snuggle into moobs and chest hair that wasn't there 6 years ago tickles the inside of my nostrils, and I'll want to fuck again, but I'll be too lazy, and it won't hurt, so I'll spend tomorrow staring at my computer screen thinking about a good fuck, and a good smack on the ass instead of how much it pays to remove and install heads on a 07 Audi A8 with a 4.2L engine, and then how much it will pay to replace the engine when the head is found to be defective. but engines don't turn me on the way they used to unless they have really high horse power and RPMs and I can sit on the hood, but the A8 has an aluminum body and if I dent the hood it will be really expensive to fix and I weigh 145lbs, and what I'd really like to be doing is sitting on the R8, but they won't let me touch it.

But what I really need right now is to be able to sleep, for real.

6.2.08

MGMT - Time to Pretend